Before I go any further, I want to state something with utter sincerity. If you are a female similar to my build and height (medium boned and 5' 5") and weigh near or over 200 pounds, I do not judge you. You may be overweight, but I do not think of you as "fat" and would never call you fat. I would encourage you to exercise if you don't, but I'd encourage a 100 pound woman to do the same (with the approval of her doctor, of course). I don't judge anyone so harshly on his/her weight...except...myself. I'm a cyclist (in case you haven't read my blog) and I used to be a pretty damn good athlete - amateur, yes, but committed nonetheless. Weight is so relevant when it comes to riding a bike, certainly on the kind of rides I love but haven't done in so long. So my judging my weight is specific to me and my lifestyle and not a judgement of others. Please note that before you continue reading below.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little over two weeks ago, I arrived at my pulmonary specialist's office for my annual exam (which included my breathing test of late). "Pulmonary Specialist" is a fancy way of saying "lung doctor." The one I see sucks...most of the time. This year? He was stellar, but that's not what this entry is about, so I'll move on.
His nurse, a sweet-faced gal who kept furrowing her brow in a kind of Betty Boop-ish way, greeted me and asked me to step up on the scale first thing.
"Okay, but I don't want to know what I weigh. I mean, it's not like I'm in denial. I see myself butt naked in the mirror every day, but I just lost 4 lbs. Or, at least, I had lost 4 lbs, but then I've 'relaxed my diet' all over again and...well...who knows?"
She just smiled (patiently), brushed back her thick shiny brown bangs with one slender hand, and pointed to the (dreaded) "doctor's scale." You know the one - a bulky, mammoth, metal torture tool.
"Can I remove my shoes...and the rest of my clothes?" I flashed her a big cheesy grin.
"Sure," she replied with a wink.
I ditched my shoes, stepped up on the scale and held my breath. And, I closed my eyes. I knew already how dreadful my weight has become. After all, I'd been weighing myself every week for the past two months (plus seeing myself "butt-naked"- let's not forget that!), but I didn't need the aggravation that particular day.
But as I heard her move the weights on the scale and scribble on my chart, I had a change of heart. "Okay, I don't really want to know, but I think I'd better face it. What's the damage?"
"You're funny," she said before pausing a moment. "206 pounds, give or take. Your clothes probably add a pound and if you've eaten today...maybe, another 1/2 pound? Or, you could be ovulating and therefore retaining water or...whah whah whah whah whah..."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't remember much else about that visit. I saw my doctor, I was prescribed more drugs (for my asthma), I paid for parking - but the one thing that wouldn't stop looping in my brain was...206 pounds.
I drove home, stripped down to nothing and looked (really looked) at my body in the mirror. There before me was a fat woman. She wasn't entirely unattractive but she was fat. Her arms, beefy sausages, dangled at her sides pitifully. Her face was bloated and her chin, doubled. Her (used to be) slender shoulders looked padded and swollen. When turned sideways, a "shelf of fat" stood out from above a bulbous stomach, a bloated layer of skin between her breasts and her belly button (a coffee cup can be rested on it when sitting, so it does serve some purpose). Her breasts were full and bigger than they've ever been, but distorted by the "shelf" so they didn't really stand out. Her butt? Oh, it stood out. In fact, it was her most defining feature, attached to meaty thighs that had gone from "sort of muscular" to "undefined softness." This couldn't possibly be me, but it was...is.
So, deep breath, now that I've (gulp - really??!) revealed my weight on here, what am I doing about it?
First, I'm accepting responsibility. It isn't the fault of my genes, my office job, my metabolism, my age, my sex, my asthma, my "big" bones, or my lizard (Boo had absolutely nothing to do with this). I could blame my mouth, I suppose, and my hands, teeth and tongue - damn them! But since I over-operate them in unison (apparently), I guess the buck will stop here. I've gotten to this weight all on my (not so) wittle bitty own.
Second, I've set my mind and am determined to lose it - 60 pounds of it. I mean it this time too (so you can stop rolling your eyes now, please). I mean it so much, I revealed my weight on a public blog. How many women do you know who'd do that unless she's serious about reducing the number? (yeah, thought so!)
Third, I've joined Weight Watchers (WW) again and have followed it perfectly since officially beginning this past Monday. It seems that WW has improved their program in the last year. They are more veggie/fruit/protein/healthy-fats driven than they used to be. Now, they ding you zero (0) points for raw fruits and vegetables, instead of encouraging you to snack on their stupid, overly processed (and priced) sugary cakes and muffins. This bodes well for me since I plan to do WW "Primal Style." I love Mark Sisson's website and believe wholeheartedly in what he's espousing (The Primal Blueprint), but obviously, I need help with portion control and calorie counting. WW worked for me in 2005 (when I lost 40 lbs on it) and for my sister (who lost over 100 on it and has kept it off!). There is no reason it won't work for me this time as well...if I stick to it.
So, this past Monday, I weighed myself first thing in the morning, butt naked on my scale at home (yes, I own one). I weighed 196 pounds. That is the weight I'm starting with this go around and I will weigh in every Monday and record my weight. I also took photos of myself in a tank top and shorts from the front and side. I will continue to take these photos for every ten pounds I lose to document my weight loss. I will then share them on here (yay! Before-and-After photos!) once I've lost down to my goal weight of 136 pounds. Why not? It will be fun to see them once I'm lean again. And, I will keep them to remind myself should the weight start creeping back on.
I sound pretty confident, don't I? That's because I am. I know I can lose the weight. I'm giving myself the year to do it (although, of course, I'd like to reach my goal weight by July). The real challenge for me (obviously) is keeping it off for good. My sister did it, so once I've lost, I will be using her as inspiration to keep maintaining a healthy weight. No more thinking that I can eat what I want after a long bike ride. No more thinking that I don't have to count every little morsel that goes in my mouth. No more super-sized beer after a bike ride with the guys ("but it's just one!" - nope). I'm gonna have a tough few weeks acclimating to WW all over again, but, honestly, I don't mind. I want my shape back and I want to ride a bike like I used to without carrying 60 lbs along the way.
Wow...that just hit me writing that. 60 pounds! It's as if I'm carrying a third grader with me in my jersey's back pocket every time I ride my bike. I have no issue with a little third grader, but this kid has got to go!
Oh, and in case you came on here for the pretty photos and not all my other nonsense, I have been riding and hiking and taking pictures of it all. Photos are below (in no particular order):
Rode with Herb and Linda 61 miles recently...

Some things never change...
We rode from Burbank to Encanto Park and back...
I felt a pang of sorrow when I turned this corner.
I haven't ridden Mt. Baldy in over two years...
And there my old friend is, snow-covered in the distance...
I was the slow one all day, my climbing is non-existent anymore...
This was serious business...
I also rode with the girls to the beach one Sunday...

One of the main reasons I live here (this in January!!)...
When you have this kind of weather, you can't help but smile...

and then...there is the scenery...
riding past the airport...
I wish they'd all wear helmets, but a nice sight to see...
In fact, many folks took the same advantage of the day as we did...

he posed for me...
love this photo, as I think I caught a "moment"...

It was just an outstanding day and ride...
I took Boo hiking in January too...
And she was a celebrity among the boys...

Griffith Park Ride with Bob...
It was a tad chillier that day...
I demanded he smile...
At least it was the deluxe model...
So serious...
They are still doing road work at the park, by the way...
To the bike path over the 5 freeway...
Trash Truck Hill - still there and still just as painful...
He ran past me as I was climbing, and dropped me...like a badly microwaved potato...
This was last Saturday - a ride out in Swankville...
Valley Circle...
his usual...
into Encino...
to the bike path...
and back in the (swank) hood...
And I end this entry with one last photo,
one I captured while riding that made me chuckle:




































