well...I'm not pregnant

In case you were wondering.

I know I was. Really. I mean the whole immaculate conception idea has been around a whole hell of a lot longer than I have and if you'll recall, her name was Mary too (wink wink). And since I'm convinced that I'm living in a parallel universe (which I've decided to just abbreviate to PU from this point forward), it wouldn't have surprised me one bit last night had the UC doctor stepped into my waiting room and announced, 'you, my dear, are just about ready to give birth to an 8-pounder,' - at least, by golly, it would explain my weight gain in the last year, now wouldn't it? But for certain...my uterus is barren.

My kidney and urinary track, however, are not barren, or so the doctor last night has tentatively diagnosed. I've had at least seven people (exact number) of late tell me I may have a kidney stone. They should all quit their jobs and become doctors. Seriously. They could tell just by listening to me whine about my lower back pain and sharp abdominal cramps to determine as such. The medical staff last night could not. Nope. They needed me to pee in a cup, which is something that takes talent. I don't have that talent, never have, and when the cute, male 'doctor's assistant' (huh?; is that the new title for 'nurse' and is 'nurse' now considered unPC?) handed me a printed sticker and asked me to go "provide a urine sample," my lip curled slightly.




I hate peeing in a cup. Men have it easy. You guys can just place the cup on the floor in front of the toilet and aim for in the toilet bowel and you'll fill the cup, hands free. We women have to strategically hold the cup between ourselves and the bowl and then do a pee dance where we swivel our hips around until the flow finds the cup. We, or at least I, never come away 'hands pee-free' and even though all I have to do is wash them afterwards, it grosses me out. Whenever a nurse (er...doctor's assistant) says "provide a urine sample," I hear "go pee on your right hand."

But, apparently, you must pee in a cup any time there is lower back pain so that it can be determined if there is blood in your urine (which I have). If there is blood in your urine, nine times out of ten, it's a kidney stone (when accompanied by the exact pain I have). "Don't worry," the doctor said, "kidney stones are extremely common." Uh, yeah...in men...over 40. The doctor then told me that they are also very common in athletes. I kind of laughed a little at that (yeah, like I'm some big athlete and all). But it has something to do with calcium, chronic dehydration and vitamin C (too much or an inability for the body to process). I told him that I drink at a minimum 8 glasses of water a day as well as receiving plenty of water in the foods I eat. I did admit that I do participate in endurance rides and sometimes I don't think I replenish my liquids correctly. He shrugged and said, "the urologist will be able to tell you better, but I'd guess that, at your age and good health, there may be a connection. But don't worry, you didn't cause it and there was really not much you could have done to prevent it. Some people never drink enough water, eat right, exercise or take care of themselves and they never get a kidney stone." Well...phew! I'm so relieved for them.

Grrr.

Anyway, I'm now on hold with my Primary Physician's office trying to get in to see her this morning or, better yet, just get a straight referral to see a urologist. Stupid HMO. I have to jump through hoops every time I need to see a doctor other than my PP, and she (the b*tch) will likely demand I come in to see her, pay my $20 copay, pee on my right hand, and then say, "yup, the doctor at UC was correct and you need to see an urologist." I'm going to have to think Zen thoughts so as to resist the urge to choke her.

Her office didn't even open until 9:30am, so it's already so inconvenient and I'm on hold (now for four minutes). I gave up and took a partial sick day today (although I plan to go to work before noon if I can) as I don't really have a choice and driving to work and then all the way back to see my PP seemed just plain silly. Did I mention?...Stupid HMO. Maybe I should upgrade that to F'N HMO. The only time that HMO pays off is if you have to go to the ER or hospital. PPOs stick the patient with a far larger percentage of the cost in those instances than HMOs, so I guess it comes out in the wash. But the whole referral thing and having to see your PP first (even if you are peeing blood and doubling over in pain) that HMO demands is a joke. [think Zen, think Zen]

Well, you'll be pleasantly surprised at my incredibly positive outlook on this whole fun little kidney stone thing. I figure that since I'm in PU, I might as well just go with the flow, right? Plus, I got a whole new bottle full of pain pills last night (Durvecet?) - the exact same kind I already have and the kind that makes me drool. So, I'm set. I got the drugs making the Zen state much easier to attain, and hopefully I will pass this little kidney stone without further ado.

In fact, if there was anyway I could just cajole the thing out, I would. You know? "Come on, little kidney stone. Come on....come on out of there. Squeeze on down my urethra and pop on out, you little kidney stone you." Or, alternatively, I'd assume the position and 'bear down' as if giving birth and just deliver the damn thing. The doctor last night said that if this stone passes and it gets blocked, the pain will be equivalent to child birth (or so some of his female patients have told him). Lovely. Look at that! I don't know about you, but I see a positive. This is going to be like bearing a child. I can experience the joys of childbirth without having to burp the kidney stone, raise it or send it to college. This is kind of a win-win situation, if you think about it.

And for fun...anyone have any name suggestions for my kidney stone? I just have to name it, and I suspect it's a 'he.' Not sure why...I guess you can call it my mother's intuition or whatever.

Sigh. This too shall pass...literally.