asthma is stupid

At the age of 34, just six months into my new-found hobby (cycling), I was diagnosed with asthma. Since then, I've had to report at least twice a year to various "pulmonary specialists" where I'm asked to blow out into a tube until I damn near pass out just so my breathing can be measured. Well, you know how some people are talented at both holding their breath and blowing? (take that as you will) - I'm not one of them. I can't blow a full inhaled breath back out out into a tube. I try and try, but I just succeed in blowing spit all over the tip of the tube and anyone standing within a few feet of me (like usually the nurse, who then hates me). I also, in panic, inhale right when I'm being told to blow (by that same nurse who hates me and who is wiping my spit off of her hand that is holding the tube I'm blowing into). I've annoyed way more than just one nurse and been told that I suck when in comes to having my breathing tested (okay, not in so many words, but close).

Regardless, somehow these specialists have all deduced that I'm a full blown, moderate to severe asthmatic. Whether it's my failure to blow into a tube properly or a real disease that inflicts me, I couldn't tell ya. But I can attest to the power of my "crack pipe" - you know, the little pipe I put a powder-filled capsule (Foradil) in and then suck that powder out of?


I may not be talented at exhaling, but I got no issues with inhaling. I can't hold my breath worth crap, but I can suck in a lot of air before leaking like a punctured tire. Apparently, that is exactly the kind of breathing pattern severe asthmatics display - an ability to inhale deeply coupled with the inability to exhale all of that air quickly (or in some cases, when death is involved, not at all). That's technically what's known as an asthma attack should the exhaling begin to impede the inhaling. I've been there and done that - it ain't exactly fun.

But, I'm not here to bore the drawers off you with all this talk of breathing. I'm more on here to just report that asthma is stupid. I've said it before (can't remember in which entry over the last year) and I repeat it now cause, really, it is. Can you think of a dumber (and less convenient) disease to have? Asthma packs no real punch unless it kills you, and rarely are those deaths often or dismal enough to evoke mass sympathy toward the disease. How many charity runs/walks/rides are dedicated to this disease? I do know of one, the Lung Ride, that is a charity event, but it's about the only one, and unlike cancer, diabetes or multiple sclerosis, no one seems all that bothered that there is a huge majority of us folks in this world who can't exhale all the air out of our lungs which in turn could potentially kill us. And I know from personal experience, that those living asthma-free have next to zero empathy when we asthmatics complain of poor air quality, heat/cold sensitivity, allergies or absolute intolerance of strong irritants like cigarette smoke and perfume. We're either considered whiny or worse, overly dramatic.

From airpurifiers.com

Thus, this stupid disease not only affects our day-to-day breathing, but we get very little understanding and patience from others for the times when we can't breath or when we yawn repeatedly and uncontrollably cause we can't get the damn air out of our lungs (I suffered this today during a very important meeting at which my new boss was present and could see me desperately trying to stifle yawns - if only I could have explained to him that it wasn't boredom or lack of sleep causing the yawning, but my stupid asthma!) Sigh.

Oh, and I'm yet again quitting a steroid inhaler for which I paid $20 (copay) recently. It's called Aerobid and it's just like Advair - including the side effects: hoarse voice, scratchy/sore throat, headaches, dry mouth and nervousness. I get all these side effects with inhaled steroids and have fought with my pulmonary specialists for years over taking them. Basically, I refuse. My recent visit to my latest pulmonary specialist was a fluke in that I somehow agreed to try this new steroid inhaler - the Aerobid - yeah...that was a huge mistake!


I was crying into the phone tonight into Herb's ear (he's asthmatic and can totally relate to all of this) that I'm never taking another steroid inhaler again. I'm one of the very rare folks in this world (the 1% apparently) who suffers side effects from the inhalants, and I'm tired of it. Just after a few days, I'm already losing my voice and the headaches are awful. Then...there is the fear of oral thrush (google for images if you have a strong stomach) that is brought on by use of these steroids. Yeah...that's oh so much fun. Imagine having a mouth and throat filled with a cottage cheese type coating that no matter how much water you drink, never goes away. And to really freak yourself out, take a spoon and scoop it out, only to have it reappear in a matter of an hour. Yum.

I dealt with the thrush (which took several rounds of lozenges and months to clear) and other symptoms back in 2005, and I am NOT doing that again. So, tonight I toss the Aerobid in the trash (bye, bye $20) and just keep puffing off my crack pipe while praying that my stupid asthma doesn't actually kill me. Of course, when I'm out on a bike, a car is a much bigger threat than dying from a sudden inability to exhale. Therefore, I'm not going to sweat it. Besides, there are far worse things in life than being unable to blow air into a tube (again, take that as you will).